when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
i need to know the scientific term for a guy's taint so i can explain what i did last night.
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
