i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
There's a certain level of slut that i can handle.... I think she just broke that scale
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
Randomize
