The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
And think got sick again from going outside naked. Word to all females...don't try the naked trench coat thing.
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
Randomize
