just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
I'm graduating college in 4 days. I already miss the bad decisions
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
Randomize
