Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
im trying to find a facebook picture of him that doesnt make me regret sleeping with him. its not working
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
Randomize
