My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
Remember when there was a happier time when people could all hang out together with out the awkwardness of the fact that she stole $1000 and cheated on a brother with another brother !?!??
I may be bringing home two guys tonight. I'f they won't go for a double-team you can have the lanky one.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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