he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
I hope to God it wasnt poon. That odor was unnatural, it was satanic pussy.
Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
he kept bringing up different times we had sex and i wouldnt say anything back. i would never confirm nor deny the situation...like a politician ya kno
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
Randomize
