She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
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