Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
So we are lighting beer bottles on fire and breaking them in half to make glasses
That sounds dangerous
Don't worry......were wearing oven mits.
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
Randomize
