I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
I dont know if he should be happy or mad about it but he's too big for a blow job.
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
I think you should just bang him and get it out of your system.
That's what you say about everyone.
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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