you should probably quit with the whole "no homo" thing, especially when you are drunk, "mo homo"gives the wrong impression.
Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
She solidified the fact that the icon from Wendy's is the only ginger I care for
i used the phrase horny rhinos in my paper. i hope my teacher appreciates the size of my balls
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
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