I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
zippers are such a cool invention
$1 pitcher night should be outlawed.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
Randomize
