she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
Mid thrust, say hold on I need a pic for my friend.
Randomize
