there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
random boy in my bed. last night wasnt a dream. fuck.
Randomize
