so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
And then there was cum in my hair and he was making beans.
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
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