Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
walkin around the woods blazed, drawing pictures of trees and plants, i get a grade for this
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
Randomize
