Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
even a "fuck you" would be nice at this point.
we were taking shots of hot tequila, which is even worse than it sounds
so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
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