I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
Randomize
