he took his pants off right in front of me then just stood there so i went for his boxers and he said he was waiting till marriage
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
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