I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
the semester is winding down: time to procrastinate by googling cheap keg options
did she really think she could get into the club & no one would recognize her from 16 & pregnant???
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Randomize
