my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
So I had sex with him again. He's still got it. Not chlamydia, he got rid of that.
the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
i wish i could post a picture of his odd shaped penis on facebook and label it "wtf???"
she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
was it good sex?
i mean it was good for how drunk we were. and for how big the closet was
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
Ok- my dad's ex-wife's Irish nephew. Weird if we fuck or not?
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
I’m planning a Pharmasutra for the first night after the pandemic ends
Pharmasutra?
Me + Chris + cocktails + viagra = night of orgasms
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