She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags
what do people who dont have blackberrys do while they poop?
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
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