I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
Probably, but last night was a special kind of drunk. It was a "let's see how drunk I can get without killing myself" drunk.
operation have a gay friend backfired
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
four loko is apparently banned in the us. so i think its time for us to stock up. i already emailed them about buying them in bulk
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
