a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
We were basically fucking on the dance floor. People kept buying us drinks. It really only encouraged us.
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Randomize
