it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
The fact that every guy you've slept with since you've lost virginty either have the same first or last name isn't normal.
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
he's had a change of heart. and besides, we could use a laugh.
oh, well, if you all need a good laugh, by all means endanger my life.
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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