I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
no. the fact that it's halloween completely overrides the fact that it's sunday. youre going out whether im dragging your boring ass or not.
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
I have acquired 14 pictures of hard dicks tonight... I was on a mission. Don't even pretend you aren't proud.
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
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