dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
Come back. Shots need mouths.
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
So I was dancing on a table with these three girls and my bro. Started to makeout with one and as the song ended I asked what her name was. She said, and I quote, "Nate we hooked up two weeks ago". To which my reply was to lift my beer to bro and proclaim, "RAGE".
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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