I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
He's hinting that I'm starting to be kicked out of their blunt rides, I can feel it.
I would rather burn my vagina off with a damn flame thrower before I would touch anything that has touched her skank ass.
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
Randomize
