My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
suddenly SuperBad didn't seem so funny anymore...she did have her period on my leg.
Even though he is humpbacked he is really good in bed.
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
You'll get a boner for sure
Way ahead of you. Kinda awkward while paying rent but hey
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
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