my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
I am 100% positive that I have seen a porno that was shot in this bar.
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
So somebody asked her is she's okay.She turned around,started running and screamed "Ballet is running through my veins" before doing a small pirouette.It's amazing how she managed not to fall.
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
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