My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
he needs to stop knowing everyone on campus...it's making cheating on him really difficult.
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
So the next three days will be henceforth known as the 'celebration of the end of the most irresponsible years of my life' be prepared to wake up naked in a ditch.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
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