I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
This is the prime rib incident all over again
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
I'm thankful she wil die Alone. And I'm thankful I slept wiht her cousin. And brother.
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
conclusion: canadians have really freaky sex
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
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