Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
I fucking love fucking science majors-- she told me that she wanted to know if her gag reflex got better or worse with alcohol, and that her initial evidence had been inconclusive. So, next few weeks, yeah, gettin blown periodically. All I have to do is keep a log.
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
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