New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
This guy is walking around with a deer head on. Honestly what the fuck
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
Let's just say that I took off my pants and I had superman boxers on. Then she took off her pants and she had batman panties on. I think she's the one!
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
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