I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
He was pretty wasted I guess, but the crippled guy threw the first punch it was awesome
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
Sorry you uh had to see that last night. That's the problem with open fields, no privacy...
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
Randomize
