the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
judging by the mobile uploads you added of me last night, we cant keep living this way.
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
You're an adult now and it's your vagina. You should do what it or you wants.
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
Randomize
