he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
Whiskey and an unstable home life is apparently the fountain that 20-something boys like to drink from.
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
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