I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
I am spending my child support on dildos
well, atleast the road to alcoholism is fun.
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
i can't, i'm blowing bubbles in class and getting credit for it
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
