When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
I now have a other guy willing to drive 3 hours for my vagina. At my next gyno appointment I'm asking her if there's cocaine in there.
Does fucking him in the back of the car with the sun roof retracted count as star gazing?
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
Randomize
