She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Randomize
