I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
second roommate of the year to get clamydia. go life.
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
She came out of my bathroom wearing nothing but high top Converse, a leather jacket and a tongue stud. I love rock bars.
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
Please come to class. I miss you and I have a horse mask
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
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