i can't believe i had my finger in that
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
Romer got arrested for getting in a bar fight with a bus boy because he was trying to steal a keg, had it all the way to the car
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
Sitting in a music store. There is a 40 something year old guy in a track suit, with a boner, and playing the ukelelie quite intensely.
thanks for thinking of me.
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
Randomize
