Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
This whole living in Ohio thing is getting reaaaaallly old.
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
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