her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
Just found out my brother beats off to Lauren Conrad. the Hills will never be the same.
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
