I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
Come over we're drinking with orange soda as a chaser to honor 90s nick kenan and kel.
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
Randomize
