I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
What do you mean not that crazy? I had sex last night. with my\nBOSS. in the restaurant where we WORK.... ON A DINNER TABLE.
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
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