I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
you would have Pina Colada flavored saliva.
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
Randomize
