I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
May the power of my ass compel you!!
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
