I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
Bad news is im a slut again. Good news is its with people ive been a slut with before.
and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
Europe's "the final countdown" was playing. It was pretty much amnesty for anything that might happen the rest of the night. It's a rule.
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
He made me choke him and call him Papi..so all in all a good night.
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
Randomize
