You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
I just got a facebook invite to join a group called "bring back the old franzia spout." i never want our generation to grow up.
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
I mean there is a rehab there so its gotta be a good time
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
Randomize
