Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
Randomize
