We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
I have really important information for you regarding the furry convention this weekend
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
Randomize
