you miss my big massive throbbing cock dont you?
Woah.
that's not how you spell hell yes.
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
Randomize
