When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
We drank vodka and koolaid through a traffic cone. It got rowdy.
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
Randomize
