He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
It's okay. I've dumbed down my notes over the semester because I knew I wouldn't be up to understanding things come finals.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
