bahahahaha i would laugh soo hard if someone did this for me hahahaha this guy would become my best friend
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
Sex and bbq. He sure knows how to make a girl feel special
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
Randomize
