Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
well, someone with very low standards is getting their dick sucked
yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina
wtf
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
I support your vibrator fueled lifestyle.
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
